there's this imaginary world i feel i was lead to believe existed...one with first dates & men who bring flowers.
there's this feeling i can't kick that i'm living the wrong life. what if my soul entered the wrong body, at the wrong moment?
there are these places in my life, reserved for people i'd have thought would've filled them by now.
there's this overwhelming knowledge that i need to be doing good in this world, that if i don't feel that i am, i fall asleep knowing i don't think it's all even a bit worth it.
there's this desire to change everything, and it's battling the desire for perfection - they can't coexist & where do i start?
there are books i should be reading & songs i should be listening to live, these things i should be making & words i should be writing, and i'm not.
there are these ideas...all these ideas & lists & plans.
and it's everything. everything all the time.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Both over & underwhelmed. Exhausted. Lately it's a combination of these things. My new job & the accompanying schedule have been taking a while to adjust to. I had really begun to take weekends for granted, and it's difficult to find enough time in the day for anything outside of the office. But it's new, and I'm learning, and slowly but surely, I'm adjusting.
I do miss being a nanny. So much. There are few more gratifying jobs - the only one I've found that consists of at least 20 kisses & I love yous & cuddles a day. And naptime. Oh blessed naptime.
But I suppose sometimes it's time for a change. Sometimes life knows it's that time before you do, and the changes that just seem to happen, the ones that you can't seem to control...maybe that's just life telling you it was time.
The past couple days have been a foreshadowing of the fast approaching September weather, even a little chilly. It's wonderful. Last week I could hardly stand the sticky heat, down to a t-shirt & panties the moment I got home from work. Now I sit here in leggings & a wool sweater, cozy and comfy. If life could always, or at least mostly, be September...I think I'd be alright.
How could I not miss that face?
Friday, August 9, 2013
Last Thursday, August 1st, was my last day as a nanny. It was also the day my friend Sarah & I began our new blog project, Twenty-Somethings: the Lost Art. I meant to talk about this here last weekend, but as things go, I'm just now getting around to it...Turns out acclimating to an office job is more difficult than expected! But we are excited about this little undertaking, and I hope you'll check it out :)
More on life later, when I have a moment to breathe.
at 9:14 PM
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Alyssa of The Open Life recently wrote about Big Sur and her adventures at Baker Beach in San Francisco, beginning a series she's calling "California Dreamin.'" They reminded me of the last time in I was in California, driving down highway 1 with my mom for a week. It was incredible. I fell in love with Big Sur & Monterey & Carmel & San Luis Obispo. It's been 4 years, and I still dream of those ocean cliffs. The coast is so very different on this side of the country. Everything here is so different. In a way, I'm glad I moved so far from Cali so long ago - every time I go back, everything is new all over again.
I realized I never shared photos from that trip. Here area few that have me wishing myself back.
these are from Hearst's Castle..such an amazing tour, if you ever get the chance.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
I'm a goal oriented person. The trouble is, I am easily discouraged by lack of immediate results, or not being good enough (read: as amazing as I wish I were) at everything. I find myself constantly making lists and plans and promises to myself, and accomplishing very little. It's a cycle of feeling the need and desire for change, failing, and being further behind the starting line of happiness, more obsessive about the details each time. I'd like it to end. I'd like to hold myself accountable for what I want, from myself and from my life. I'd like to be content and happy and healthy in a way that leans toward effortless. This isn't to say these things shouldn't take work, I believe they do. But I believe life should be more than a battle. And honestly that's how I've been living for the past decade - at war with myself, fighting who I am with who I think I should be, in a neurotic, notebook-filling way.
It just shouldn't be this hard.
I find myself thinking this altogether too often. And all the old platitudes don't make it any easier: Happiness is a choice. Do what makes you happy. If you don't like something, change it! There is some truth to these things, I understand that. But these oversimplifications actually stress me out more. If it's so easy, why am I failing? And I've decided for me, the choice has to be to let. it. go.
For me, the biggest things are weight & finances.
I can create paleo meal plans & avoid carbs & processed foods & sugar all I want. But I can't make it enjoyable. I can't make it stress-free. I can't ignore the guilt, the you're just not doing it well enough thoughts. And I can't force it to work for me.
I can make the most beautiful budgets you've seen. I can work 60 hours a week & give myself a cash allowance like an 8 year old. But I can't make it feel worth it. I can't avoid life to save money, and also be happy.
So. If I never lose 25lbs, so be it. If I bought a new planner because it was beautiful & I'm a sucker for paper products, so be it.
In the end, the overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and lost hope are more detrimental than not being thin will ever be. And I believe there is a way to do my best to be healthy, to live a creative & interesting life, and to do things that make me happy, without stressing over how to do it all perfectly.
Of course, I still have goals. I just want the focus to be on the process, the here & now, and not the end result. For right now, these include:
- eating. eating instead of thinking about eating and agonizing over what I have & have not eaten.
- sleeping more. not staying up 2 hours after I've gotten in bed, laptop open, lost in an internet rabbit hole of pinterest & blogs & netflix.
- making things & doing things simply because they make me happy.
- moving forward. being more forgiving, of myself & others
- giving myself credit for & focusing on the good.
a list much kinder to myself than my usual goals.