Sunday, January 10, 2010

2010

2010? Really? When did that happen? I think I like it. I think I'm not so entirely sure about anything at all. I feel silly most of the time, because of the things I say or the way I act. Like nothing of me has much to do with any intrinsic grace or beauty. It's like growing pains of the mind, only I'm not sure what is changing or if it is for the better.

I have been lied to a great deal in the past year and a half. I haven't always been honest myself, but I would say that, for the most part, I am a truthful person. In fact, I'm not often capable of holding back what I want to say, which is probably one of those factors that contributes to me feeling silly so often. However, the lies I've stood through seem to have broken all these little parts of me, tiny breaks that surface situationally, leave me suddenly sad, hold me back from giving in, find the small spaces in my mind not already taken up by a million other racing thoughts and fill them darkly. That is probably a bit dramatic. But in freedom, I am overwhelmed.
For the past year and a half, I have been at odds with my very best friend. I've been more hurt than I knew I could be, I've cried more than I should have, and I've given a lot of myself away. With those things, I've also learned just how much love I am capable of. How it feels to know beyond doubt that someone loves you, and how to return that feeling graciously. In the past week, I've learned that I will be okay. That it's okay to let go and to breathe, to be held by someone else, to be both happy and sad at the same time, to look forward.

This year, it will be different.

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