Tuesday, July 23, 2013

on goals

I'm a goal oriented person. The trouble is, I am easily discouraged by lack of immediate results, or not being good enough (read: as amazing as I wish I were) at everything. I find myself constantly making lists and plans and promises to myself, and accomplishing very little. It's a cycle of feeling the need and desire for change, failing, and being further behind the starting line of happiness, more obsessive about the details each time. I'd like it to end. I'd like to hold myself accountable for what I want, from myself and from my life. I'd like to be content and happy and healthy in a way that leans toward effortless. This isn't to say these things shouldn't take work, I believe they do. But I believe life should be more than a battle. And honestly that's how I've been living for the past decade - at war with myself, fighting who I am with who I think I should be, in a neurotic, notebook-filling way.
It just shouldn't be this hard.
I find myself thinking this altogether too often. And all the old platitudes don't make it any easier: Happiness is a choice. Do what makes you happy. If you don't like something, change it! There is some truth to these things, I understand that. But these oversimplifications actually stress me out more. If it's so easy, why am I failing? And I've decided for me, the choice has to be to let. it. go. 
For me, the biggest things are weight & finances.
I can create paleo meal plans & avoid carbs & processed foods & sugar all I want. But I can't make it enjoyable. I can't make it stress-free. I can't ignore the guilt, the you're just not doing it well enough thoughts. And I can't force it to work for me.
I can make the most beautiful budgets you've seen. I can work 60 hours a week & give myself a cash allowance like an 8 year old. But I can't make it feel worth it. I can't avoid life to save money, and also be happy.
So. If I never lose 25lbs, so be it. If I bought a new planner because it was beautiful & I'm a sucker for paper products, so be it. 
In the end, the overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and lost hope are more detrimental than not being thin will ever be. And I believe there is a way to do my best to be healthy, to live a creative & interesting life, and to do things that make me happy, without stressing over how to do it all perfectly.
Of course, I still have goals. I just want the focus to be on the process, the here & now, and not the end result. For right now, these include:

- eating. eating instead of thinking about eating and agonizing over what I have & have not eaten.
- sleeping more. not staying up 2 hours after I've gotten in bed, laptop open, lost in an internet rabbit hole of pinterest & blogs & netflix. 
- making things & doing things simply because they make me happy.
- moving forward. being more forgiving, of myself & others
- giving myself credit for & focusing on the good. 

a list much kinder to myself than my usual goals.

3 comments:

  1. Oh, I relate to this so much. Especially this: "It's a cycle of feeling the need and desire for change, failing, and being further behind the starting line of happiness, more obsessive about the details each time." I know that feeling!

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    Replies
    1. It's nice to know that someone else understands & struggles with the same feeling. Thank you :)

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  2. You aren't alone.

    I also wanted to plug the Health at Every Size movement: http://www.haescommunity.org

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